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Bp Driver’s Guide

Advanced Squeegee Techniques

If you think you know how to clean your windshield, you're probably right. But maybe there could be more to it. Maybe it doesn't have to be a mindless chore. Maybe the moments spent with a squeegee in your hand could rank among the happiest times of your life.

The Basic
This is what you've been doing on autopilot: Wet your windshield with the sponge. Wipe off the fluid with the rubber blade. Yawn. Snore. Opportunity wasted.

The Zamboni
The Basic again, but during winter.

The Venn Diagram
Clean a large circle on one half of your windshield, and then clean a large circle on the other half. Make sure they overlap in the middle, and then derive a profound conclusion from your data.

The Bob Ross
Narrate your every action for an unseen public television viewing audience. "Now we raise our happy little squeegees and make some happy little streaks." That's right. Bob Ross knows the deal.

The Wizard-Who-Can-Not-Be-Named- Because-He's-Trademarked
Point your squeegee at your windshield and shout, “Expelliarmus Birdturdio!” If nothing happens, go back to wizard school and study harder this time.

The Mark Twain Technique
When passersby ask if you like cleaning car windows, say the following: “Like it? Well I don't see why I oughtn't to like it. Does a body get a chance to squeegee a windshield every day?” They will subsequently beg you to give them a turn, and you can demand small treasures in exchange for the privilege. Most people will offer apples or small frogs, and this is fine, as that's all you've ever wanted.

The SqueeGenie
Each time you remove your squeegee from the bucket, make a wish! You can wish for anything you want in the entire universe and it's guaranteed to come true as long as you've asked for a clean windshield.

The '80s Karate Movie
Clean a circle to the left; clean a circle to the right. Wipe on; wipe off. Upon completion, triumphantly win a karate tournament in the San Fernando Valley.

Squeegee Tai Chi
Accept the squeegee as an extension of yourself. Express perfect balance through every graceful, fluid motion. Sway like a flawless lotus blossom embraced by a morning breeze, allowing this alchemy of ancient wisdoms to cleanse our windshields and purify our minds.

Will these innovative techniques make your windows even cleaner? They will not. But by adding some intentionality and vision to your next BP visit, it's entirely possible that you'll have more fun.